A thank you note for Ethan Hawke...

Part Six - The lonely way back home

2007-07-15T09:27:00.000-07:00

Part Six - The lonely way back home

I thought it was all a storm in a teacup but what could I say? I'm not the easy-going person I wish I were sometimes, besides I really couldn't explore him like that, he was trying to be so nice to me but someday he'd definitely throw it back at me... Or so I thought. We drove half the way in silence. It was so quiet and I didn't have any sound system in my old car which made this silence unbearable. He was a little mad but I could feel the tension vanishing from him as we were getting closer to the pier. I felt I had to do something. If Mr. Ethan Hawke is just as stubborn as myself none of us would even try to fix this situation, ever! So I had to act, quickly. Taking a deep breath as I parked the car turning the engine off and before he'd say anything, I did.

-Okay, sorry about that, can I actually use some of your kindness?

I looked at him completely ashamed of what I made him feel like. The man was really a kind person and I should never doubt about his intentions, at all. He opened his mouth showing he was about to say something but I went on with my little speech after sitting on my legs to look into his eyes properly.

-Wait... Let me continue. I really feel bad for that and you should know that I have this tendency to be suspicious about any and every form of nice gesture any man shows me, you know? I've been the... tough one, from day one and I can't even tell you how many times all these incredible men that showed in my life wanted to kill me for that! I didn't want to make you feel uneasy or... uptight, but that's how I react. But a reaction ain't quite the most... honest thing that could come from me, you know? I can be myself, I, I could really be myself with you, I just gotta know you better, you see?

He was paying attention to every single thing I was saying. He was practically laying on this old Chevy passenger seat, scratching his forehead and following every word I'd say, following each different look in my face and that made me feel comfortable enough to trust him. Now I could say that, I trusted him.

-I know it won't change things but I want you to know I now... trust you.

Silence.

Now I was silent because I ran out of beautiful and touching things to say and because the emotional me that was on had suddenly switched off leaving me with these confusing thoughts that were so familiar and now were about to crush my confidence once again. Ethan was still looking to me, following each movement, each different thing that would happen to my facial features. He wasn't missing a thing.

Suddenly he looked away and that forced me to look away as well. He turned back at me again and fixed the way he was sitting, trying to find a position which made him get closer to me, then he said:

-Iris, come on... It's okay. I think I know what you're saying, but sometimes you gotta just take it easy you know. No one will ever harm you if you don't want them to, you know?

-Yes...
-Just let me do this one thing right for you, you'll see I'm a nice guy, okay?
-Sure...
-Alright then. Here, you'll take my cellphone and you'll call your dad. Quickly because they're probably leaving by now. Do it.

He handed me the phone and I called the airplane company. I finally could speak to my father, telling him he should wait for a guy not me when he finally arrived L.A. airport. He was a bit confused but I told him we should be quick in our chat, after all I didn't want to abuse Ethan's kindness...

I gave the phone back to him and thanked him for that.

-Now I have this amazing story to tell my grandchildren...
-What story?
-The one of this beautiful Hollywood hunk being such a gentleman in such a lonely night as this.
-It wasn't lonely at all, was it?
-Nah.
-It was great. We had quite a laugh in the airport.
-We did. And I had many moral lessons from you!
-Oh Iris! After all I'm older! Let me feel like the responsible dumb ass just for tonight...
-You definitely are.
-Well, you're saying that because you don't really know me.
-Ay... I knew it! You see?
-What?
-I gotta know you better!
-You sure have to.

We both stopped talking and looked away, couldn't face each other any longer. It was late and he finally got his stuff and opened the door stepping out of the car. I went out as well, to say good-bye walking towards him. He pulled me closer holding me and we stayed there for a few seconds. These were the moments I could ask to last a bit longer. By the time we were done, he said bye bye and walked to his car.

I stayed there watching him walking slowly, opening the door and sitting, but it didn't take too long for him to get out again and call my name.

-Iris! Wait. I don't know where I have to take your father tomorrow morning!
-Oh, it's true! Let me write my address to you.

I got a piece of paper from my notebook and wrote my address to him, my phone number and the name of my roommate in case he needed to talk to me and couldn't find me.

-Here it is. I'll leave my spare keys with you so you can give them to my father when you bring him home, okay?
-Now you're trusting me way too much! Ha!
-See? I'm getting better at this. Now, don't you think that all the mess from the condo is mine! My roommate, Freddy is the messy one!
-Freddy... What's his last name?
-Belden. He's British but has lived in L.A. almost his entire life. He's a bit older than me.
-I know that guy. He's good friends with a huge friend of mine, Bob. The one that owns the house you were in the New Year's eve.
-Wow! I didn't know that... But now that you said it, it's all making sense to me...
-What's making sense?
-He gave me your phone number!
-He did? Why? You asked for it?
-No, I did not! He saw us talking that night and he thought it would be a nice gesture, I guess. To bring us closer.

He smiled and put the keys and paper inside his pocket and spoke again.

-Well, now I really must leave.
-Yep, go ahead and thank you again for everything.
-You're more than welcome, go inside your car, I'll wait for you like a gentleman.
-Okay, okay.

I went in, shut the door and waved to him. He went to his car and I left. The way back home was so cold and lonely but I felt better than ever and had all these things to tell him that were stuck in my throat, things that he'd perhaps love to hear. I wish I only had the guts.

Got home and Freddy was already sleeping tight. I went to my bed and didn't even change my clothes.

*pic from here

Part Five - So now what?

2007-07-05T18:05:00.000-07:00

Part Five - So now what?

It was about ten o'clock and we were hushing into the airport so I could pick my daddy up. It was a Thursday night and I thought the airport would be half empty but it was packed. Lots of flights coming from Europe were late. Something about the strange weather in the Barcelona area that made more than thirty flying machines wait for the right moment to take off. We both got there out of breath and sweaty! Didn't expect that delay.

-That's what happens when you don't have a sound system in you car that tunes radio stations... You never know what's going on!

The worry about my father had become a ticking bomb, didn't feel like having any moral lessons from Ethan.

-You know what... I have to know what's going on because I had no idea it'd happen, could you please stay quiet?

He opened his eyes in shock moving away from me as I passed with some difficulty amongst the hundreds of people waiting everywhere for their late flights. I turned back and yelled at him to stay there that I'd be back in a moment. He just heard me and leaned over the cafe counter. I reached the airlines desk and asked if the flight my father was supposed to catch was late or if it was still in Spain, the mindless receptionist was taking to long to check the flight and I was getting more worried about Ethan waiting me that about my father really. It wasn't the first time he was giving me a bad time and surely wouldn't be the last time. At least the guy found out that the flight my father was getting on hadn't left Barcelona yet. I took a deep breath and asked how long would it be, sincerely, for the flight to make it.

-I'm sorry miss, probably around tomorrow morning!
-Tomorrow morning!?

I was so mad! I had to work tomorrow morning! How was I supposed to tell my dad I wasn't picking him up? He'd have a heart attack! Noticing my exhilaration Ethan walked to me and tried to catch on our little argument.

-Sir, do you know how my father is? Do you have ANY idea on what he's capable of doing if he doesn't find me here tomorrow morning? I work tomorrow morning! This stinks!
-Wait up, Iris, I can get your dad tomorrow morning...
-I didn't finish, Ethan! Sir, would you PLEASE get me a way to contact my father, a telephone number, anything. He's such a pig head he never wanted a cell phone... You WHAT Ethan?

In the middle of my crude words I could barely understand what Ethan had just proposed. He was being such a gentile and delicate person, as a good old Brazilian gal I was getting suspicious.

- I said I can pick you father tomorrow morning. If you plan on keeping your job anyway.

I was shocked by his words and I needed some time to think. The receptionist was overwhelmed by all the demands everyone around him and having a big glass of water he asked me if he still needed the telephone number so I could reach my dad. Quickly and deadly I answered:

-Of course I want it! Fast!

Ethan started laughing and making me feel uncomfortably warm. I wanted to laugh with him, my hands were shaking and I had never seen so many people in the airport like that before...

-What are you laughing at... Stop it!

I was saying over and over again, - Stop! Stop it Ethan! STOP! - but it didn't matter he would just laugh harder holding himself to the counter so he wouldn't fall off from such an urge to laugh at me. By then I started to laugh just as hard as him and we both kept laughing. The receptionist came back with the number written down in a small piece of paper with the name of the person I was supposed to talk with but he just couldn't talk to us, we were still laughing... Angry he inserted the small paper inside Ethan's pocket in his black jacket and left. Just to make things worse Ethan started to mimic the poor guy catching everybody else's attention. His name was being whispered throughout the corridors, "isn't that the Hollywood actor?", "Ethan... Hawke, right?" bla bla bla.... It sopped being funny. We looked to each other and without a word went back to the parking lot, afraid someone would follow us asking for his autograph.

Inside the car I started the engine wiping the tears off of my eyes since I had put my loins out from so much laughter. Ethan didn't fasten the passenger's seat belt and I couldn't miss the joke.

-Don't you dare risk yourself like that! Who said I'm that good at driving this piece of metal?
-Ay, let me be fast or you'll kill me just like you almost did with that poor receptionist!
-Yeah, I'll give you a heart attack!
-Yeah yeah... weren't you supposed to call your dad now?
-Yes I'm but I can't afford this call... Must get home to reach him.
-No, no, call him with my cell phone, go ahead.
-What? No, Ethan. You've done too much for me already.
-I have not. Just do it okay?
-I won't.
-Iris!
-No.
-I'm fucking telling you to do it! It will be too late, how will he know I'm picking him up tomorrow?
-You're not picking him up tomorrow.
-I thought you had agreed on that!
-What? No I haven't.
-So how will you do it? huh? Tell me.
-I don't know...
-Iris.
-What?
-Stop the car.
-What?
-Would you please stop the car?

We were getting in the highway and pulled over. He was obviously a little angry but I couldn't just accept everything he wanted me to, I couldn't let him do things for me like that, it wasn't like we were old time buddies and all.

-What do you want, Ethan?
-I want you to please accept these things.
-What can I do? I can't abuse you!
-You're not doing that.
-Wait, Ethan. Look, you're a famous guy and all, right?
-So?
-If I just go ahead and accept all these nice things you're doing to me people will say I'm a... a... how can I call it?
-A what for crissakes?
-A beggar!
-WHAT?
-Yeah, I don't want anyone thinking I'm using you. You don't know me! How come you want to pick my daddy at the airport? Only, friends or lovers do that!
-So, what do you need? A friends proposal? A signed contract?
-No!
-Why would you care with what everybody thinks? You left that party because you hated the snobby shit people that were hanging there, why would my so called-fame bother you? I don't get it, Iris!
-It's not bothering me...
-It is! And you know, you're right! Just leave me where you found me, we don't even need to exchange phone numbers anymore.
-What?
-You heard me, I'm the one that's not willing to help you any longer. I didn't know it was hard for one to believe I'm a decent guy.
-I believe in you, Ethan!
-It seems like every goddamn woman I bump into is a suspicious minded little girl. All you women are little girls.... Can't stand that. Bad night to go out anyways.

We both kept in silence for a while. Wasn't expecting that reaction coming from him just like he probably wasn't expecting the reaction I had prior. He was mad and i was sorry but there was nothing I could do.

-Won't you fucking turn the engine on? Do you want me to drive?

I just drove off and thought to myself, "so now what?"....

Part Four - Chatting and walking...

2007-06-14T08:58:00.000-07:00

Part Four - Chatting and Walking

As it got late we still walked and talked feeling like there was no one watching us. We were just two newly found friends, pretending to be light and cheerful. The night was warm, our minds empty and our hearts filled with a different type of joy... That one that is unexpected. We stopped by an ice cream shop and ordered, mine was a mix with mint chocolate chip and vanilla, plain and simple. He asked for strawberry ice cream loaded with strawberries...

-Well, I don't know anything about you, Iris. I know you don't like to read!

-What? Of course I love to read! I'm a journalist, sweetie!
-I don't think you do! If you did you wouldn't read MY book!
-You think that!? I loved your book, Ethan!
-You did NOT!
-I did! Who do you think you are to tell me I didn't?
-I'm the one who's written it!
-Ha! See!? You don't know a thing...
-See!? You didn't like it!
-Don't do that...
-What? you just said it...
-I said what?
-That I don't know a thing! You didn't like what I wrote!
-Quit it... Can't beat you!
-I know you can't... Cause I'm not only a nice, handsome, old-school actor slash writer... I'm a fucking awesome humane sucker!
-You're the sensitive type... Right?
-Wrong! I'm the tough kiddo that you don't wanna mess with...
-Oh! You don't fool me!
-I don't?
-Nope!
-Damn it!
-Want some more ice cream?
-No... Want some coffee?
-Yeah!
-Come on, let's get some...
-Where?
-I know a place...
-"I know a place..."
-You'll start to mock me now?
-No! I'm not mocking you! I just think this sentence sucks!
-Why?
-It's funny...
-But why it sucks?
-I... I, I don't know! It's too movie-like!
-I don't know what you mean! It's probably something that if I was Brazilian I would get!
-Mmm, might be, but I don't even know what I mean!
-Oh, so you're just weird then?
-Probably!

We got to this nice cafe and pulled a chair for me to sit in a table that was outside. The breeze was nice, it messed with my hair but I didn't mind at all. As I watched the people up and down he picked his cool zippo lighting the cigarette that was tight between his deep red lips. I noticed his big hands, the nice jacket he was wearing and the old shirt that was beneath it. It was light yellow and it looked as if he had picked it in the store at random! My eyes were wondering and I noticed my heart beating faster.

-Do you mind if I smoke?
-Of course not! Go ahead.
-Would you care for some?
-No, I don't smoke.
-Ay ay, those non-smokers! Did you know that is actually proved that smokers live longer?
-Oh really! How's that possible?
-Well, we smoking creatures have the lungs to outlive you all, non-smokers! We've evolved!
-Lucky you!
-Yeah, yeah...
-I wanna live a short life... Nothing too great.
-Don't say that! You know I was kidding right?
-Sure I do... Are we ordering anything?
-Yes, mmm wait up!
-Well, I just want a latte, please. A big one!

Ethan gently asked for the menu to the waitress that realizes he's "somebody", by then everyone around was "somebody", the night was filled with those Hollywood stars fighting to pretend they don't like their fame. The girl brought us the menu but I already knew what I wanted. Ethan took a longer time to make up his mind.

-I don't know what I want...
-He doesn't know what he wants!
-I don't... Wait... Lady, what's this Orange Mocha all about?

As the girl explained everything to him I heard the noise of the world surrounding me. I had reached a quiet place in my head to realize what was happening. For the first time I was just enjoying myself and it reminded me of what that guy in front of me represented. Years back I had understood what my calling was by watching Dead Poets Society and now, so many years after that one Sunday afternoon I sobbed over Todd Anderson's O Captain! My Captain cry, that pretty boy was now sitting in front of me. Not an old man... Not an innocent either.

-Okay... I'll have that! Thank you! Now Iris, tell me! Why were you so sad by the pier?
-Mmm, I don't know. I'm always sad!
-Really?
-But you shouldn't be scared though!
-Oh, I shouldn't?
-Don't laugh... It's true! I'm a bit depressive I think... Nothing serious... I just had my third suicide attempt last summer but...
-WHAT!?
-I'm joking! I'm joking!
-Oh... For ONE moment I felt important!
-Why? Oh, my misery made you feel good? Oh, how nice!
-No! No, no!
-What then?
-Well, you promise not to laugh? I thought I had saved you!
-Oh! What a cutie... No, not your saving day!
-Well, i was so happy though...
-Be happy for something else!
-Yeah, I mean, I'm having a great time tonight, I must be happy for this!
-You should because I am.
-Really?
-Yes. I really am.

Our coffees were being served and his eyes were staring his hands, his outgrown boy's hands. His thick fingers were being compressed by his heavy look. I pondered for a moment about what he really wanted from me. I thought about that as if I was being watched by thousands of people in some channel exploiting reality TV in a new kind of weird way that I had no idea that was on tonight! "Maybe" I thought, "even Freddy's watching me right now and I'm the dumb ass being laughed at!". That was so not Ethan Hawke, anyway...

-What are you looking for?
-What? Me? Nothing!
-You're looking around, are you afraid of something? Is there anything bothering you?
-No, no, I'm fine. i just had this weird thought...
-What thought?

As he drank his coffee and looked at me over his giant cup I noticed his big boyish blue eyes searching for my girly eyes as well...

-Will you please not laugh?
-I definitely won't!

He was paying more attention to his coffee than my worries but I went on.

-Okay, I was thinking that I was being fooled by you, and that eventually a camera would pop out from behind the counter and a weird guy with a bad hairdo would scream and say I was being punked! Ha!

He started laughing and choked with some of the coffee he was having.

-Oh! That's why you were looking around! Were you searching for the perfect spot for a hidden camera? Nah... That' won't happen...
-You said you wouldn't laugh!
-How can't I!? Do you think that I would fall for that?
-Don't know...
-I'm not like that. Not that I recall but Ashton Kutcher isn't my friend and do you see something moving in your coffee? Something alive?
-Mmmm, nope!
-Than you're safe!
-Ah... good!
-But now tell me, are you suspicious about my intentions?

He frowned and waited for a different move... But then my cellular phone rang.
Ethan finished his coffee wiping the orange leftovers from the bottom of the mug as I answered. It was, after all, the only person that would call me late that night, Maddy.

-Hello!
-Hey girl! Where have you been!?
-Well, I've been at the pier, sweetie.
-Just hanging?
-Yep.
-You're too quiet to be just hanging.
-No! That's just what I've been doing...

As I talked to Maddy, Ethan would just sit there, cross his arms and watch me and that annoyed me. I stood up and walked away from our table, keeping him from hearing anything.

-So why are you whispering, girl?
-Maddy! Stop interrogating me, please...
-Don't be mad, Iris! It's just that...
-I'm not mad! I'm with Ethan Hawke right now!
-What?
-What you heard.

I looked behind my backs to see if he was still staring but as I layed my eyes upon him he turned his look away, making me more nervous.

-So I won't remind you that you have to pick up your father at the airport TONIGHT!
-What!
-Yeah, yeah... Got your car there?
-Yes I do! I had forgotten about that!
-So grab Mr. Hawke and take him with you.
-To see my dad?
-Yes!
-No!
-Why not, dear?
-Because it's ridiculous! How can I ask it from him?
-Well, he's with you now right?
-Yeah, but we're having coffee!
-Well, get a coffee by the airport.
-Why did you call me again?
-To remind you of that! You were not in home!
-Okay, then I must go now...
-Go!
-Thanks Maddy! Don't know what I'd do without you...
-Well, if you catch a piece of an Ethan Hawke hand-signed photograph, I'd be glad!
-Shut up! I'll hang up at you!
-Just go!Bye!
-Bye!

As I walked back Ethan was already paying our bill and my cheeks were blushed because of the talk I had with Maddy. I didn't want to go at that moment, but I also couldn't ask him to come with me. As I walked towards him, he took a hold of my limbs and brought me really close to him, making me stand there in shock for I didn't expect it and asked:

-Why were you so nervous at the phone?
-His face was so close to mine I couldn't even breath. Noticing that he let me go and smiled waiting for an answer.
-Well...
-You can speak now! Don't blush!
-No, it was my friend, Maddy, she's my neighbor. She reminded me of something I had to do!
-Are you leaving me already?
-Probably... Gotta get my dad at the airport.
-Oh! Where is he coming from? Brazil?
-No! He lives in Spain, actually. In Barcelona. We don't have a tight relationship.
-Oh, I can drive you there. Got my car here, somewhere...
-Got my car also. By the pier deck, in the parking lot.
-Okay then!
-But... But...
-What? If you don't want me to go just say so.
-It's not that, it's that I don't...
-Wanna bother me?
-Yeah, and I really got to go NOW!
-I won't be bothered if you don't!
-Really?
-Really! Don't have anything to do till next Sunday! My plane leaves Sunday...
-Okay then, let's go!
-Let's go.

We walked back to the pier deck to get my car and drove to the airport. My dad would be surprised I had a man with me. He'd be thunderstruck.

***

Part Three - Small Talk

2007-06-05T15:02:00.000-07:00

Part Three - Small Talk

The wind was blowing softly that afternoon. I was out from work and didn't feel like going back home anytime soon. Wanted to be out a bit, do something different, find amusement in having ice cream by the pier. Tried to reach Freddy at home but he just wouldn't pick up the phone, he was somewhere out there and didn't give a damn to what I was all about... Or did he? I couldn't care, not that particular moment. As I walked down Palisades Park, the ocean line seemed thinner to me, as if someone had taken the light beams from the sun being set and let the ocean just fade... I was just watching the sun going down and reached for the pen and notebook inside of my purse for a quick inspiration had rushed into my system.
.
I needed those quiet moments alone. The paper in hand, the wind blowing, the soft skin of my lower lip bitten. Tears running down my face.
.
"I don't have it easy my friend. I don't wait too long for things to come and I have in fact forgotten how it feels to dream in such a child-like way that everything fades under my feet. I'm sorry for that, can't do it any longer. Life has passed too quickly in many ways I couldn't even pace it. Couldn't notice, or worse than this, it has been noticed but not taken care of. The sea is my friend. The city, never sleeps just like me. The sand is quick to form, quick to unmake, quick to release its smells and colors. I'm just like that. I'm quick to do all of it but can't manage life as it comes and nothing has ever been made to turn things around... I don't know why I even try. I don't know why I write and that makes me get to simple conclusion: if there's no reason there's not ONE solution. There are plenty of plagues eating my soul, plenty of sparkles on the icy blueish waves upon that sea... there's much more to this lie then I thought it would be...
.
My hands are in a rhythm I can't cope with, the words flow from the bottom of this wicked heart till it reaches the tips of my cracked-skinned hands. I loathe this feeling, this insecurity that's part of who lives inside of me, I presume..."
.
By then I felt I wasn't alone. I was sat near the pier and the stars were shinning bright in the dark sky, deep black night all around me but there was someone else close enough to make me worry. As I stood up I heard some steps and as I turned around, wiping the tears from my face I found that same guy I had met at the new year's eve party in the huge Hollywood hills' mansion. Ethan was surprised to find me. .

-Howdy! - didn't he lose his Texan ways when he became a Hollywood hunk? - Never knew I'd find interesting people over here... - I was confused, still cleaning my face and hiding the paper from him, keeping it inside of my purse. - For a fact if I knew that I'd come here more often... -How are you, Mr. Hawke? Managed to sleep later that night? .
I couldn't let go of my craving for sarcastic mannerisms. Why do I act like that with men? He got really close to me and pretended I hadn't asked anything.
.
-Well, why are you sobbing? Is everything good? - I looked the other way as he'd keep his eyes on me - am I being too nosy?
-No, you're not nosy!
-Good... so?
-I'm just sad. Don't you worry. So, what your doing here?
-Am walking... you?
-Writing.
-Really?
-Yep.
-Good...
-I like to come here and watch the sundown...
-But you haven't today, have you?
-I had, why?
-You were too busy writing to see it!
-Well, I wrote after the sun was down...
-Impossible!
-Why!?
-It JUST went down, this second!
-You were here?
-Yeah!
-All the time?
-Yes...
-You were WATCHING me?
-Hmm... yes...
-What!?
-No! I wasn't watching you... I was around!
.
He laughed and I couldn't help but laugh with him. Couldn't believe he was there all the time! That thought just made my cheeks burn and i kept staring at the sea. His eyes were now searching for bright stars.
.
-So, wanna do something?
-Like what? Don't you have kids to take care of?
-Why don't you get off my neck?
-What?
-My kids are alright! Remember, they have a mother also... they're better off than their old man, my father wasn't around at all!
-Oh, I know about that!
-You do?
-Yeah, I read the international movie database Ethan Hawke's profile! Ha!
-Smarty!
-That's me.
-So, shall we?
-What?
-Do something, Iris!
-Oh... - I really didn't know if I should say yes, I mean... I had to go home, get a shower or at least wash my face cause i was feeling heavy and useless but instead I just said...- okay!
.
The night is a child as they say, and hating small talk the way I do it was surprising to feel the warmth I felt in my chest as we walked away from everything and just appreciated the company. He seemed a very nice guy.

Part Two - Freddy and Maddy

2007-05-16T02:46:00.000-07:00

Part Two – Freddy and Maddy

It probably wasn’t a big deal but he stayed on my mind for the rest of the month. Long sunny days would make me believe it had actually been the best thing to end up here, at this crazy spot in the world, right at this time. I would wake up everyday early to go to work and wouldn’t stay up at night so I could go to bed and just dream. Dream, dream, dream for there was nothing else to do, actually. Nothing that I’d care doing anyway.

The winter wasn’t happening. People hanging with less clothes than one would expect, Hollywood heroes and foes gathering and sharing some air, bikini goddesses and sexy bodybuilders, wannabe actors, wannabe actresses, people slash this, people slash that battling to find their spots in the warm and round sun. In a sunny morning one of my best friends on earth and roommate, Freddy, couldn’t find his glasses! He was on the third round of searching and no finding when I got sick of it.

-Ok, Freddy! What the hell, I’m helping ya’!
-Thank Lord!
-No, you must say: Thank you, Lady!
-Shut up! Help me to find it!
-Ha! I will. When did you last see them?
-Well, I don’t know… My best guess is... last night?
-It definitely was because you can’t see anything without them on!
-Yeah!
-How could you possibly get home driving if you lost them before? They ARE in this house!

We lived in a small but very charming condo, and we weren’t the most well-organized set of people around so we’d lose lots of things everyday. We looked all over the place, we went through his things, his bed, his closet, the clothes spread out on the floor, the computer desk, the corners, the bathroom etc. Then we moved to my room and the glasses weren’t there. I was getting tired and had to go to work. Freddy had to go to college and I had already given up on the idea of finding it. That was when Freddy got desperate!

-Iris, sweetheart! If you really, really, really help me find it I’ll give you Ethan Hawke’s phone number!

I couldn’t believe he had come up with the subject like that! I didn’t even mention what had happened that new year’s eve and it wasn’t in my plans remembering about it right now!

-How did you get it, Freddy?
-You know I got connections…
-Screw you! Won’t do you any favors any longer… - I entered my room and shut the door making the walls shake from the strength I put into it.
-Okay, Miss-I-Don’t-Care-About-Hollywood-Shit! I’ll just call him myself and tell him you miss him! – I didn’t mention this but Freddy was a hell of a blackmailer. He’d do that all the time about everything and I was so sick of it, but I loved him! I opened the door and had that “I’ll kill you” look in my face.
-Don’t you DARE!
-So help me, Iris, I NEED YOU!

We went through it all again, trying to find his stupid glasses and we eventually did and I went to work late that day.

When I got home from work, Freddy hadn’t come yet. He had hang out with his movie pals after class and watched Star Wars for the thirtieth time or dissed some new comer’s movie. I did my same thing, all over again. Baked some nice bread, put on some butter on it, made some hot coffee, turned the television on and watched any sitcom channel and just sat on the couch trying not to think about anything else. Everyone I knew would tell me how stupid I was for missing so much. I was young, as they’d tell me hundreds of times, I should be enjoying things. Going out and all that crap, but I didn’t want to. I wanted to be quiet, I wanted to enjoy things my way and was getting pretty nervous about not having the right people to do it with me. I mean, I loved Freddy! Just the way I loved Meredith, our best friend that lived next door and worked at a go go dancing club. I loved them but they weren’t around me much. I needed real close people near me all the time! That’d be the only way to be happy and I wasn’t so I just sat there… One more night.

***

Can’t quite remember how it happened. All I know I was sleeping tight when Freddy and Meredith – whom we’d facetiously call Maddy – entered my room and messed with some papers on my desk. I didn’t move but I’d waken up when they got in. I didn’t think they were doing any bad thing but felt I should just wait. Sooner or later I would find out what they were up to. By the morning Freddy had prepared breakfast and the house smelled like eggs and coffee. As I sat in the balcony to eat we spoke.

-Good morning, journalist queen!
-Good morning, movie freak! What happened to your brains? Did you fall down last night? Are you in one piece, I mean, do you need help?
-Why, Iris? Didn’t you love the breakfast ready at your table?
-Yeah, I loved it! But I mean… you never do that…
-Yes, I don’t but you know… every now and then things happen…
-Oh really? What happened today?
-Nothing!
-You don’t make any sense, my friend…
-I know! I just felt like doing it. Today I’m not having a busy day and I thought I could do something for you. You’re always doing things for me and Maddy, I thought I could do something for you.
-Oh, nice, nice… By the way, is Maddy asleep? I really wanted to talk with her…

But the time I said that Maddy came in through the front door holding a bag of grapes and apples. She knew how much I was fond of them!

-Mad!
-Hey silly, good morning… - she always kisses me in the forehead, every time she’d see me. She was a little older than me and had a totally different lifestyle than mine but we had this magical friendship. We really understood each other. – Brought you things you love…
-What’s up with you people today? – Freddy and Maddy would look like they were hiding something and I didn’t like it at all… - Are you hiding something from me?
-No, we’re not!
-Maddy and I just felt like making you happy!
-What? Suddenly you just walk in and make everything beautiful for me? It was supposed to be the other way around, folks! I’m the one that likes to iron your clothes, prepare your meals, wash the dishes… Why did you change it like that? I was happy like that!
-Oh! We’re not changing it, Iris, we’re doing something different for one single day, you can have your own routine back by tomorrow!
-Shut up, Freddy! Look, Iris… - Maddy was the motherly type of woman that made me feel so comfy and cozy – we really just felt you needed to be cheered up. You’ve got to get out of this boring life you’re living.
-Yeah, sweetheart. You didn’t come all the way from Brazil to live like a modest newspaper woman. You deserve more than that…
-You deserve more than staying up all night reading…
-More than watching sitcoms and eating…
-More than jogging twice a week…

I was getting embarrassed by that over caring, but I knew that they were right.

-Guys, I’m really happy that you want to take care of me like that and all but… I just can’t be like you. I don’t feel like going out to all these parties and things while the world outside’s just vanishing and quickly turning into hell…
-Baby! Wake up, hell’s always been here!
-I know, Mad, but hey I’m not like you! I love you, but I’m not like you! Thank you both for your sweet ways but I just have to get ready for work. Excuse me.

I grabbed my cup of coffee and locked myself into my room and got ready for work. By the time I went out they weren’t there anymore and there was a small piece of paper stuck in the front door. I could read Freddy’s awful handwriting.

“Lovely Iris, write down this number, I owe you this.
310-4485
Love you, Freddy.”

I thought it was Ethan Hawke’s number, at least Freddy said he had it… but I didn’t believe it. Just left the small note by the door, where I found it and went out, had a long and busy day ahead of me.

Part One - The New Year's Eve

2007-05-14T02:10:00.000-07:00

Part One - The New Year's Eve

It was probably a few minutes after midnight.

Everybody was making awful happy noises. Everybody was so cheerful and the fireworks were annoying me. It was relatively cold and the people hanging out weren't always fun to be with. I had Ethan Hawke's book in my purse, Ash Wednesday. I had read it over and over for the last months. It was a good thing to do when all I wanted to do was nothing. I was dressed in a black tight dress and feeling awkward as usual. My hands were cold from the weather but I didn't mind much. I wish that all that I had to do was sit and stare at the waves and its foam, making drawings on the light sand in the beach. The view was fantastic! I didn't know what I was doing there. I had been invited to this party so I could enjoy my new year's eve alongside my movie friends, the ones that were struggling to actually be in this business anyway. I was in a party at a Columbia executive's house and I couldn't care less. I guess I can't find amusement when all I can do is to feel lonely and scared for really being alone.

I decided to get me another glass of pink champagne while people were laughing already drunk in the endless and countless rooms in that old mansion. I sat by the porch, at least I thought it was a porch, and took a deep breath preventing myself from crying and wanting to go away. It was when I heard a heavy cough and I turned around to see who it was that was so close to me when I thought I was alone.

-Hey! - A guy in his late thirties with his hands in front of his face had his eyes all red, trying to speak as he'd cough even harder. - Sorry! Cough! Cough! Hey there...

I didn't recognize him at first, I thought it was quite disgusting the way he'd try to speak and cough at the same time. I started to feel bad for the poor guy and got closer to help him. As I got near him he put his hand on my shoulder, leaning over me and suddenly his coughing disappeared as he'd now struggle to wipe those coughing tears out of his face. I was scared for him, that he would collapse or something and his face started to look familiar. I always carry tissue paper in my purse so I figured it would help him. He got the paper from my hands, cleaned his face and started laughing as he stood up, showing he was a little taller than me and spoke.

-Sorry about that! Think I didn't cause a good first impression, huh!!
-Don't bother! I don't mind, really. That was actually the funniest thing that happened tonight...
-Oh! I'm glad I entertained you!
-You hell did!
-Ha! I'm glad I could help... Hey, my name's Ethan, - he shook my hand and I finally knew for sure it was Ethan Hawke in front of me- nice to meet you.
-Nice to meet you too, my name's Iris.
-Pretty name... But you're not from here, are you?
-Not really, I'm Brazilian!
-Wow! I don't know any Brazilians!
-Well, you know one now!
-So you told me earlier I was the funniest thing that happened tonight, why's that? You're not having fun?
-Not really... - I was a little high from all the champagne I had had, it had been a long time since the last time I was drunk I’d lost track of it... – People here seem to be plastic sometimes… I mean, I’ve met interesting people but they all seem to want something, something more than I can give.

He stood there and I couldn’t understand why I was saying all that. It was one of those things that just popped out of my mouth, without any reasoning or thinking first. He seemed to be enjoying chatting with me.

-And what is it that you can’t give them?
-What?
-That thing you were just saying… You mentioned they seem to want more than you can give them, what is it?
-It’s easier for me to tell you what I CAN actually give…
-Okay… What is it?
-What I can give?
-Yeah!
-I don’t know…
-You DON’T know? But you just said it’d be easier!
-Why am I having this conversation with you, Mr. Hawke? Aren’t you supposed to be looking for a nice young and posh girl so the paparazzo can take new pics of you?
-What?
-Aren’t you supposed to just be your own pretty self and get out of here with some dignity and just leave this poor Brazilian alone? I’m not gonna answer any other question…

I was amused by the lack of consideration I was having towards myself. I turned my backs to him and kept staring at the sea. He didn’t say a word, the poor guy was speechless. As all these thoughts about how stupid I was came to my head I heard his voice again but couldn’t understand what he was trying to say. So I turned around and faced him. Now I could take a proper look at his figure. He was wearing a black suit, ridiculous grey shirt that would shine in the dark. I was so sorry for his sense of fashion, probably because I had none but it seemed to me he had grabbed the first pair of pants he saw in his closet and then took the least worn shirt he had and put it on. He had nice and smooth hair falling over his face. The prettiest blue eyes I had ever seen. Just like in the movies. I smiled and he stopped speaking smiling back at me.

-Please, Ethan, I’m sorry, what were you saying?
-You didn’t hear anything?
-No!
-Oh! Too bad, I’m not gonna say it again!
-Oh! No! Please, don’t do that to me! Tell me what the hell did you just say?
-Don’t come with that temper on me now! – He turned around and walked to the edge of the porch leaning over to watch the beach. – I don’t mind you didn’t hear me but I won’t say it again…
-Oh Ethan, you’re mean!
-Not as much as you, dear!

He was looking down and I was looking at him. The years had passed him by. He was looking much older than I thought he’d and that wasn’t bad at all, it was delicious. It felt good to me in those brief minutes of conversation, the way he looked good being exactly as old as he was and showing more aging than he should be. Everybody would expect so much from him, a necessity to always take care of his skin, his body and his wrinkles but he was so comfortable with them that it was beautiful. He noticed my eyes all over him and suddenly I gold cold as stone again.

-Are you hanging a little longer...

I didn’t even answer anything, I just walked through the varanda’s door and walked down the stairs. He didn’t understand me, he thought it was brazilian mannerisms that were anti-social oriented! I looked for one of my friends, the one that had given me a ride but couldn’t find him anywhere. I bumped into another actors on my way out and asked Eric Bana if he knew where my buddy Freddy was, I knew they were friends and he told me Freddy was probably outside with the drunk guys singing Shakira…

As I walked out of the mansion trying to find my friend Ethan’s voice was trying to get my attention. He was still on the second floor, in the varanda holding my… purse!

-Hey there! Brazilian! You forgot something!

He had this “I won” smile on his face and I was about to curse and forsake the day I had accepted to go to that stupid party!

-Throw it down to me!
-No, I won’t! You have to get upstairs so I can give it to ya’!
-ETHAN! Don’t play hard to get!
-No! No! You’re doing that!

By that moment everybody was staring at me and him and listening to our little argument. I was freezing, angry and he was sparkling cheerful! He was enjoying that scene. My friend took my arm and whispered in my ear.

-Iris! Are you fucking mad! Don’t make me look ridiculous here, I brought you to this party!
-I know! I hate you for that!
-Go get your purse and let’s get out of here!

As he let go of my arm and I walked back into the house I saw Ethan coming downstairs. He handed me my purse and smiled.

-I saw you read my book.
-You did? So you like looking into early met girl’s purses a lot?
-Ha! I can’t beat ya’, can I?
-Nah…
-So, it’s goodnight then!
-Yeah, goodnight! Don’t stay up too late!
-I won’t… got some kids to take care of!

I waved him bye bye and walked away. I went out with my friend and didn’t see anyone staring at me anymore. They were all back to the process of getting heavily drunk and stoned. Hollywood style.